Trena Eiden

I have, to my knowledge, never invented anything. In fact, since I’m a book reader, when I mention something I know, my offspring will inquire if I’ve read it somewhere, like I don’t have a brain cell of my own. I’m pretty sure if we asked them they’d say, “Our mom has never had an original thought in her life.”  

Women have invented hundreds of items, many so complicated I can’t understand the notes on how to build them. Like Yvonne Brill, who invented space rocket propulsion. There was already a system that required various fuels, but with prohibitive weight. Yvonne’s design was lightweight from only one energy source. The “Monopropellant Thrusters” have become the standard. I’ll bet her kids never asked her where she read how to do it.  

Margaret Hamilton was a programmer who helped develop, “Priority and Asynchronous Scheduling Software.” It allowed computers on board spacecraft to prioritize tasks while also placing less necessary functions on pause, in order to complete all jobs without losing any. Without this innovation, it wouldn’t have been possible to land on the moon. Instead of Tang, we’d have kept slurping Kool-Aid like a bunch of underachievers.   

In the medical field, Ann Tsukamoto, copatented the process of isolating human stem cells in bone marrow. This was a breakthrough in cancer research, saving thousands of lives. And Letitia Geer, developed the syringe, used for 16 billion injections per year, seemingly oblivious to how much it’s despised by everyone on earth.  

I’m also intrigued with the gals who’ve done things hitting closer to home. Josephine Cochrane invented the dishwasher, you know the dishwasher that wasn’t the child whining, “It’s not my turn.” Mary Anderson invented the windshield wiper because she was in New York City riding a streetcar during a snowstorm. The driver had to continually stop and get out to clear the windshield, causing delays. Later, when she sent sketches of her device to manufacturing firms, she got no takers. In fact, one bunch of dunces wrote back that they thought the “Window Cleaning Device” had no value. Before we bash merely manufacturing firms, it would be good to note that Cadillac didn’t start using the wipers until 1922, 20 years after they began making cars.  

Martha Coston engineered the signal flare supposedly for the U.S. Navy, but I’d like to think it was so she could usher her four children home at night without losing her voice.  

Margaret Knight invented the flat-bottom paper bag, Melitta Bentz the paper coffee filter, Mary Delaney, the retractable dog leash, Sarah Boone, the ironing board, Florence Parpart, the electric refrigerator and Carmela Vitale, the little stool that sits in the middle of your pizza. We don’t see those in many pizzerias these days. Instead, they make taller boxes so the lid won’t touch the cheese topping. Pizza Hut still puts stools in their boxes, and now a word from our sponsor, “Pizza ain’t pizza unless it’s Pizza Hut Pizza.” Wisdom by Gar and Trena Eiden. None of our kids are smitten with Pizza Hut pizza and we’ve threatened to write them out of the will if they ever bring it up in public conversation. We, the dumb children’s parents, love it and eat it often. As for the little white stool, for many years past, I saved them for Barbie’s end-tables. Well, lookie there, I’m a low-class inventor.  

One invention, false eyelashes, was created by Anna Taylor. I’ve never used them because if I wore eyelashes other than the ones God gave me, I fear my dumb, deep-set eyes would appear half closed, forcing me to tape them open, and that wouldn’t look weird at all.  

Perhaps nobody has revolutionized parenthood like Marion Donovan, who developed the disposable diaper. American babies wear nearly 4 million tons of them a year, making up almost 4% of landfill waste, but no green-thinking activist male is going to point this out to his wife, nor that it takes disposable diapers an estimated 500 years to biodegrade.  

I’m the least green person I know, but I was an environmentalist in my offspring’s babyhood and didn’t even know it. I used several dozen cloth diapers, given to me at my first baby shower. They lasted through all the kids, making diaper-changing cheap. And so am I.  

Mary Jacobs developed the bra and don’t we all just hate her. Margaret Wilcox developed the car heater and we all want to take her shopping. Mary Jacobs can just wait in the car and contemplate the error of her ways.