Trena Eiden

When I mentioned to Gar that my masseter is the strongest muscle in my body, he frowned his go-to expression when dealing with my malarky. He didn’t know what I was talking about which surprised me. I don’t mean he’s a know-it-all, he’s simply a bookworm and stores a lot of information in his big head. I cut my eyes side to side like a detective and whispered, “It’s my jaw muscle.” He nodded and since I’m psychic, I knew his thoughts, “Ya, I’ll bet you could bite through a manhole cover.”  

As I read about human body facts, one gross piece of info was the human body produces a quart of mucus per day. It’s a lubricant for the nose, sinuses, throat and mouth, but also protects the gastrointestinal and reproductive systems. Mucus contains antibodies and enzymes designed to kill harmful bacteria. The article said we don’t even notice we have it. I beg to differ. Every he-man this side of the Pecos notices, and thus does a great deal of spitting. To be fair, men make more saliva than women, so we could give them a little leeway except spitting isn’t considered socially acceptable in most circles. In fact, Google calls these men, “spitters,” which I’m certain is a professional term. 

The information about tears reminded me that I’m a crier. I cry listening to music, with or without lyrics. I cry at weddings or funerals or seeing others get emotional. This type of weeping is considered acceptable, but I also cry during kitten commercials or watching a dog wag his tail when the owner comes home. I’ve been known to shed tears when seeing someone I haven’t seen for a while or when I try to tell a sweet story. In fact, I can’t tell a sweet story without it getting weird so I have one son who immediately comments, “No crying.” I think it makes him uncomfortable and I realize I have that effect on a lot of people and not just with my emotional side. 

Tears from crying, laughing, yawning or blinking all have a distinct makeup. Happy tears are sweet, sad tears are acidic so taste sour, and angry tears contain more sodium so are salty. From here on out, when Gar asks if I’m mad, I’ll say, “No, I’m salty.” There’s also the shedding of tears from a non-emotional state called lacrimation. This would be when the eye is injured, when allergies appear or from slicing onions.  

When the kids were home and we had all those mouths to fill morning, noon and night, I canned everything, including pasta sauce. When I chopped the onions, I wore Gar’s big safety goggles which resembled something akin to what is found in a welder’s toolbox. My kids were immune to my oddities, but one September afternoon an elementary school friend came to play. Donning the goggles, I was about to start chopping onions for the sauce when I heard her quietly ask our daughter, “Does your mom have to wear those special glasses because she’s going blind?” I thought I was clever and creative. Turns out I was a nut.  

We know the brain is like a super advanced control center, but it can also create electricity. In fact, the brain generates enough electricity to power a small light bulb. My brain would power a very small light bulb. Think Barbie, now smaller. 

We shed 600,000 skin cells every day, and thankfully they can’t be seen with the naked eye, because wouldn’t 600,000 of anything flying off and around us, cause all of us, men included, to scream like a girl?  

A few other certainties include that tastebuds change every two weeks (every mother of a toddler would say, “No, they change from lunch to supper”). The nose remembers 50,000 different smells, which is frankly surprising since men claim they don’t know the trash stinks if they think for a minute they’ll be the one to take it to the curb. The surface area of lungs is the size of a tennis court, the heart circulates 2,000 gallons of blood daily, by weight our bones are stronger than steel, fidgeting burns calories, stomach acid would dissolve razor blades, most people walk 75,000 miles in a lifetime and a sneeze travels up to 100 miles per hour. You may not remember any of this so here’s one from Facebook you will remember, “Study finds 100% of men would eat any fruit given to them by a naked woman.”