It seems like just yesterday I was turning a global shutdown into a positive call-to-arms, walking almost daily. It started with less than a mile and eventually morphed to 3-plus miles at a brag-worthy 13 minutes per. I was actually eating fruit — fruit, I tell ya! Accustomed to blindly groping for a belt-hole each morning, my alarming 191 pounds had dropped to a liberating 180. I was walking with swagger and buckling my pants with smug satisfaction.

Well, that’s all history now. Burger King, Breyers and reality came a-callin’, coincidentally about the same time limited bar access resumed as the pandemic panic receded. Surprisingly, beer isn’t part of the keto diet and actually increases girth. Who knew?!

Around about June during one of those brisk walks, I got to thinking about lifestyles back in the Biblical days of Job, Nimrod and the Ethiopian eunuch. If they didn’t take long walks, they weren’t going anywhere, and with no cellphones or TV, staying home had to be a major drag.

Think about it: There were no planes, trains and automobiles — from all accounts, they were limited to sitting on their duffs — which always leaves me agog at the casual, out-of-town trips. If you lived in Nazareth and set out for your favorite shopping mecca of Bethlehem, you were facing 64 miles — roughly from Cody to darn-near Billings. Even on a donkey starting early in the morning, Slingshots “R” Us is gonna be closed.

With all the distraught tearing of robes the Old Testament mentions, shopping for clothes had to be a repetitive necessity. Just in Jacob’s family alone there surely was a crippling wardrobe budget. I never knew about the oldest son, Reuben, till I read about him returning to the pit to rescue youngest brother Joseph: “When Reuben arrived at the cistern and saw Joseph was not there, he tore his clothes.”

That anguished expression was well before punching walls became trendy, but I suspect that odd form of venting was genetic. I mean, the old man reacted similarly when tricked into believing Little Joe had been ravaged by wild animals: “Jacob tore his clothes, wore sackcloths and mourned for many days.”

My terrible luck is as tragic as anyone’s, but I’ve never been tempted to tear the buttons off my favorite shirt. David and all his soldiers tore their clothes when they learned Saul and Jonathan had been killed in battle. Don’t tell me that didn’t jack up the national military budget. Democrats like Hillary the Hun had to be tearing their hair out.

Getting back to my ponderous walk, at about 2.5 miles I wondered why I’m fatigued so quickly when these sandaled strollers would barely have left the driveway. Scripture seems to indicate they routinely took leisurely strolls to neighboring cities without so much as a Kwik-E-Mart to stop for a cold goat milk.

Maybe I’ve answered my own question; these travelers were in extraordinary shape because they weren’t slugging down sugar-loaded pop and were snacking on figs instead of Snickers. Also, with lights-out every night around 8 since there were no lights to out, they’d certainly be well-rested for the trips. The 7-mile Walk to Emmaus probably seemed like a game of hop-scotch.

Don’t even get me started on how Noah built an ark big enough for thousands of un-housetrained animals without power tools, quality caulking or goggles. Oh yeah, that oughta float for 40 day and nights.

I don’t know; a lot of that stuff is hard to wrap my mortal mind around. But ya know, it is in the good book, which is God’s infallible word. A lot of that stuff has gotta be true!