My Lousy World

Give me an R … Yay, team God!

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I now present part II of my previous spotlight on humorous angles of the Good Book. I’m sure a reader or two out there said something like, “And he calls himself a Christian? I’m calling B.S.”

Sure, there’s scant Biblical humor, but I’m guessing during editing, God said, “If I include all the great jokes, this will turn into the longest book ever written.” But I’m sure there were stand-up comedians among the faithful, rattling off one-liners like, “Take my concubine … please.”

But seriously folks, last year a friend of a friend told him, “I really question whether Doug is even a Christian.” I’m guessing that followed one such humor-infested, Biblical column, or a political one where I didn’t come off Republican enough.

There’s probably even more political hypocrisy than religious, and that is one huge pile of hypocrisy. Mix the two together and you’ve got yourself a spoiled fish filet that stinks so bad all the tartar sauce in Louisiana won’t make it palatable.

In my defense, I’m sure the authenticity suspicions stem from my blatant, sin-contrition. Understandably, my repentant candor prompts the non-contrite to conclude, “No real Christian would admit to sometimes drinking too much and/or struggles with lust.” To a perfect Christian, my confessions for all the world to see (yes, readership is indeed up) must speak volumes about my spiritual sincerity.

An even bigger giveaway may be my failure to endorse all Republicans, not to mention sometimes actually expressing affection for certain Democrats. The prevailing mindset may be, “If he can’t ignore immorality, blatant dishonesty, mean-spiritedness and a lack of a single Biblical beatitude among our obviously Christian party, then he sleeps with the enemy and puts his very soul in peril.”

I got a hint of this mentality when one sincere Christian told me Al Simpson lost credibility in his eyes years ago by maintaining a personal friendship with Ted Kennedy. I get it. I mean, since when does the Bible advocate loving your enemy, or even worse, a politician with dissimilar beliefs?

It’s been lovingly pointed out by devout conservatives that Trump’s — true also for both Bush’s and Reagan’s — elections were pre-ordained by an all-knowing heavenly father. Obama, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Hitler … not so much, for obvious reasons. If I’m to be accepted by my party, I must admit God was devoutly Republican and passed it down to his son, just as most family political trees tend to flourish.

I’m also no fan of the Joel Osteen “Donate Your Way to Riches” investment strategy. I remember years ago, a successful businessman bragged, “Most people tithe 10 percent, but since we started giving 15 percent, we have more money than ever.” I half-jokingly asked, “So why don’t you ever give your employees a raise?” As God is my waitress, his hesitant, halting reply was, “Well, that’s not tax-deductible.” 

Oh, I completely get the “Law of Reciprocity” — the principle that doing good eventually brings good back. I just suspect those Biblical directives were more toward those faithful givers without one eye on resulting financial returns.

My saintly mom would never accept 50 cents without tithing a nickel and her net worth was basically zero till the day she died at 91, with her faith unshaken. I do believe some with little who give much out of unadulterated obedience sometimes will prayerfully receive a mysterious, miraculous monetary boost. I just don’t see God implying to those already with abundance, “Thank you for that. And don’t look now, but GE just went through the roof.”

When the rich man asked Jesus, “What must I do to be saved?”, he answered “Give all your money to the poor,” and the capitalist sadly walked away. Jesus didn’t say, “Give 10 percent of your riches to the poor — non-church or animal-related charities excluded of course. Better yet, give 20 percent and you’ll not only be saved, but spend eternity in a luxury Trump condo.” The money-changers, even Republican ones, weren’t his favorite demographic from what I’ve gathered.

That being said, the blasphemous defense rests and prepares for a severe judging.

My Lousy World

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