AROUND THE NABERHOOD: I care about about dumb things

Posted 6/16/16

Ilene, Tessa and I take turns writing the editorial and sometimes I run out of things that I feel strongly about and want to make my thoughts public. Plus the opinion expressed in the editorial has to match that of my cohorts.

The following are …

This item is available in full to subscribers.

Please log in to continue

E-mail
Password
Log in

AROUND THE NABERHOOD: I care about about dumb things

Posted

Writing editorials every third edition of the Tribune is tough — not because I don’t have strong opinions, but because the things I am passionate about are of no consequence to anyone.

Ilene, Tessa and I take turns writing the editorial and sometimes I run out of things that I feel strongly about and want to make my thoughts public. Plus the opinion expressed in the editorial has to match that of my cohorts.

The following are beliefs and convictions I firmly hold and am extremely passionate about. I can, and will, argue them to the end of the Earth.

• Sandwiches should be cut diagonally, cutting them horizontally is just wrong.

• Steak should only be rare to medium-rare, anything else is blasphemy.

• Coffee should be black, sugar and cream ruins a perfectly good cup of go-go bean juice.

• Coffee mugs don’t need to be washed every day.

• Cast iron should never come in contact with soap.

• It is completely acceptable to go months at a time without actually cooking.

• There’s no reason to fold socks.

• Flat brimmed baseball hats are the worst thing ever.

• There’s no reason for a $500 Honda Civic to have spoilers and $2,000 rims.

• A truck that can’t pull a large trailer should not have exhaust stacks. 

• Corgis are the ultimate anti-depressant. Try being upset around a corgi — shoot you can’t, so don’t even try. It’s impossible to be bummed out with one of those delightful dogs bouncing around on those stubby legs.

• Chihuahuas aren’t dogs, they are 50 percent shaking and 50 percent rage.

• Boo Berry cereal is proof God exists. Nothing can be that delicious without some devine intervention.

• The English language makes no sense at all and those struggling to learn the language deserve a break. Need proof? There’s no I before E, unless you’re on a feisty heist. The plural of ox is oxen, but the plural of fox is not foxen. The list goes on forever.

• There is a right way, and a wrong way, to put toilet paper on the spool.

• Pretty much all condiments are disgusting. Think about it, what exactly are ranch dressing and mayonaise made of anyway?

• Cat beds are a waste of money. Do a fresh load of laundry, ideally a different color than the cat, and it’s an instant cat bed whether you want it to be or not.

• Rodeo clowns are the only good clowns. All other clowns are horrifying.

• Pizza is a breakfast food if it is cold, and dinner if it is hot.

• Babies are simultaneously extremely fragile and very bouncy — and this makes no sense at all.

• Team sports are confusing, but yelling while eating nachos is awesome. 

• I assume every guy with an earring is a pirate, and am leery of guys with ponytails.

• The more annoying a pop-up ad is online, the less I want it.

• There’s no good reason to buy cheap pet food and low-quality livestock feed. 

• Being from Iowa is as good as a green card for moving to the West. Fun fact, Buffalo Bill and John Wayne were from Iowa.

• Ear gauges are creepy.

• It’s hard to believe that filthy rich people on the other side of the country really care about anything happening outside of their tax bracket and zip code.

• Transgender people have been going to the restroom for as long as transgender people have existed. Ever met one? Usually you can’t tell you have.

It seems unlikely anyone is going to be checking parts before allowing admission into every restroom. It’s all a big circus act distraction from whatever heinous shenanigans are going on in Washington, D.C.

• Also, celebrities aren’t news, they are a distraction — just like this column.

Please, send in your thoughts, rants and raves for us to print. Guest columns and letters to the editor are a great way to make your voice heard. As you already know, the things I care about are really pretty bizarre and inconsequential.

Comments