AROUND THE NABERHOOD: Life pro tips and dumpster diving for a $40,000 piece of paper

Posted 4/5/16

In my fury of tossing out old papers, my degree got shuffled into the mix and very nearly ended up in the landfill. Luckily I’m not above going dumpster diving for a $40,000 piece of paper, but perhaps I took my minimalism a bit too far …

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AROUND THE NABERHOOD: Life pro tips and dumpster diving for a $40,000 piece of paper

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I almost accidentally threw away my college degree while spring-cleaning last weekend. I’m a bit of a minimalist, so every spring I toss out or donate anything I haven’t used in the last year with the exception of books and tools of course.

In my fury of tossing out old papers, my degree got shuffled into the mix and very nearly ended up in the landfill. Luckily I’m not above going dumpster diving for a $40,000 piece of paper, but perhaps I took my minimalism a bit too far there.

Life pro tip — wear boots when dumpster diving.

Doing dumb things is just a fact of life for me, but I try to learn something from each experience. In this case, do not combine coffee and fast music with paper filing. It just doesn’t work out well.

Hard-learned lessons have garnered quite a list of these “life pro tips,” and rather than bore you all with the details of how I came to learn each, I’ll let your imagination fill in the back story.

The following are “life pro tips” I’ve learned the hard way:

• Marmots enjoy trail mix just as much as you do and they have no qualms about thievery. Close the container immediately.

• Keep extra windshield wiper fluid in the truck, especially during mosquito season. But, socks and bottled water can get you to Thermopolis if you run out of wiper fluid halfway between Meeteetse and Thermopolis.

• Do not buy tailored suits and then start lifting weights and drinking protein shakes. You will get bigger, the suits will not.

• Bears love pizza. If you don’t eat all of it and don’t take the garbage to the bear-proof dumpster, Yogi will be happy to help.

• Don’t go running in the Alaskan backcountry, or anywhere with wolves, without your glasses. Wolves can look like big dogs when you’re basically blind.

• Read food labels closely. Fancy dog food cans are very similar to beef stew (aka bachelor chow).

• Fleeing from a bucking bronc while barefoot will ruin your socks. Strap your boots on and wear old socks.

• Sometimes going back for your hat just isn’t worth it.

• If you get lost on an island, find the shore and just keep walking. Eventually you will find the village.

• Do not eat gas station sushi at 2 a.m. no matter how good it sounds.

• If a bull moose is chasing you, dodge between narrow trees.

• Ask before you steal a drink of a friend’s Coke. Odds are good that bottle isn’t for drinking.

• Pack the toilet paper in a waterproof container.

• Honey buckets do not have honey in them.

• If you’re filling in as the DJ when the band doesn’t show up for a friend’s wedding reception, do not put your iPod on shuffle knowing full well that there’s an embarrassingly large amount of Japanese pop and heavy metal music on there.

• Keep multiple backup copies of your computer’s hard drive. Years of music and photos can be gone with a single lightning strike.

• Dance Dance Revolution, mint Oreos, cigars and Jagermeister do not mix well.

• Vespas and skateboards also do not mix well.

• Keep a flashlight in the bathroom if there are no windows and it’s storming outside.

• Never trust the dog, particularly when there’s a birthday cake on the kitchen table.

Thinking back on these hard-learned lessons has me questioning the value of that $40,000 piece of paper. I’d ask for my money back, but I guess I learned something.

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